Life can be hard and depressing and even the sunniest dispositions can find the storm clouds heaping so much rain that some can’t see a way out.
Soon to be thirteen years ago one of our dearest friends took his life. I think of him often but especially at the beginning of a new year. He was so good and kind and loved. I had read about suicide and heard about suicide but nothing prepares you. It was painful for everyone — especially his family. I promised myself that no matter how hard life might get that would never be an option for me. And yet, this past winter I have struggled. Again.
One minute I have the tiger by the tail and the next minute the tiger has me.
Writing is my therapy and so I want to start this year off with some pure honesty. Fourteen months ago I had a major breakdown. Something I didn’t see coming came and it knocked me to my knees.
I wanted to die — the pain of it was completely unbearable. It still is at times!
Because of my friend and seeing the pain suicide brought, I knew I couldn’t do that. Instead, I prayed for death. I asked God to please not give me cancer but let me fall off to sleep and wake up wherever we go when we pass on. I just wanted to leave this world of pain and suffering — I wanted to go be with my brother.
It wasn’t at all shocking to me when my body began to shut down. Things stopped working and I waited patiently for death. I did my best to get my affairs in order. In February, I got confirmation that my prayers were being heard. My body was turning against itself and creating polyps and malfunctioning in other ways. Good. I was ready. Enough of all this life stuff.
August came and I was still here — broken and still suffering. I had overcome every challenge life had ever given me and now found one that was still knocking me to my knees.
I went back to the doctor and was shocked to hear that while some of my body hadn’t restarted, it was healing. Great! That brought the realization that I have a job to do and I haven’t done it. So, I’ve been like a baby bomber at the Lauren’s Speedway — all over the place — but I’m trying.
My breakdown wreaked havoc not just on my mental state but my memory and brain functions. I’m still struggling with that but my heart yearns to speak. I’ve never been great with grammar and punctuation — I love commas and apparently according to Grammarly a whole host of other things that are not acceptable. It feels my breakdown made it even worse. I have all kinds of posts on my laptop but they never feel Grammarly’d enough or are too shameful to actually post. I worry way too much about what others think. Rather than be paralyzed with a fear of mistakes or fear of other people’s opinions, I am just going to let my heart talk.
My dark side is ugly and sad. Most of you have never seen her because I hide her with tons of sunshine. When she surfaces, I lie. I want to let her out and free her. That means coming clean. It’s not just about me. I see many of you struggling too and want you to know that you are not by yourself. The door to freedom lies in being who we really are.
I don’t know if it is something in the water or the world but I have seen a lot of other people struggling too. That pains me!
I’ve been pondering this post for weeks.
Sissy and Sean Patrick invited me over for a day of fun at their Maypop Steel Photography studio. The invitation came long before I went. I knew what I would see and really wasn’t up for it.
When they sent me the photos, there was no doubt it was time for me to take a deep look at the girl who was staring back out at the world. There was a time when I would have gotten ready for my photo. This wasn’t one of them. I went as I was. The before photo summed up how I felt. Tired. Weary. Worn. Weak. Like our friend, pain and darkness “” life and death “” had finally broken me down. No matter how hard I fought I still found myself unsettled and unsure of my footing.
Would the rest of life be riddled with the same old patterns — death and mayhem? Would the recurring behavior continue from the same old people? Would we always be in a pinch financially? Would I finally have the courage to say enough or no thanks or would I keep wearing the “I want to please everyone” mask which had driven me straight into what felt like the pits of hell?
Before the new year began I wanted to sit with myself and figure a way to get out of the old and in with the new. I wasn’t looking for a new me — just the best part of me. The one that was inside of me battling the dark and trying to find the light.
I know the way to authenticity is honesty. It is sometimes hard to be honest about who we really are. I’ve realized that if I have the courage to say these things it might give another courage too. You don’t have to go tell the world. You just have to look within and tell you — you matter.
No matter what the world tells you, no matter what others tell you, no matter what you tell you — YOU MATTER!
The dark side of Kim struggles with anxiety and depression and sometimes wonders why God created her. She has had a whole lot of life’s hardships and while she has weathered them — they have weathered her too. She isn’t always crazy about her day job. As a matter of fact, she sometimes hates it. But that Kim always puts her dreams at the back of the line because she’s lived her life feeling responsible for everything and everyone. It would be selfish to do otherwise, wouldn’t it?
The light side of Kim is determined, fiercely brave, and outspoken. That girl would go to the ends of the Earth to save another Soul or stand up for what is right. She sees almost everything as a sign. She can feel other people’s emotions so strongly that sometimes she has trouble breathing, which is okay. When she can catch her breath that hypersensitivity allows her to get into a zone that isn’t of this world. In that space, she hears whispers from those who have passed on, from angels and beyond. To some that would be weird and maybe crazy, to her, that is absolute Heaven. Those voices remind her that she is here for a reason and that her struggles have a purpose. That Kim wants to use those struggles and be a GPS for other Souls that are trapped in being human and struggling too. All that Kim’s heart really wants to do is write and share. Not because she wants to be famous — that thought freaks her out — but because she wants to be used to make a difference. She wants others to know if she can do it, then they can too which brings me back around to this posting.
All of us have the light and the dark. The question is which one is winning? It’s a new year and the opportunity for a new start. I won’t promise all of our trouble will melt away. This is one of those baby steps kinds of things. I’m in. If I can do it, you can too! I know this!
What do you want this year? Do you want to feel the pain and agony and move through it or keep pushing it inside and letting it grow stronger? Is this the year that you excavate all the old pent-up anguish and release it? Is this the year that you find the real you that has been trapped down deep inside and let it out?
My resolutions this year are different. Instead of looking to lose weight or pay off debt, I am looking for ways to hold the Light and shine it more. I want to be closer to God. I don’t want to be perfect. I want to be real, raw, honest and just who I am. I want to talk about Super Soul Subjects and be a Light for others who are weary from their own life’s storms. I want to let go of the past and truly forgive. I wish not look to the future but be PRESENT which will eventually be another post.
I know every day can’t be sunshine but I’m determined to find the Light.
I’m greeting this year with love, forgiveness, honesty, and hope!
We need all of the above. Without them, the darkness wins and life is over. That is what happened to my friend and if we aren’t careful it can happen to you and to me too.
Much Love, Light and the Happiest New Year!
Kim
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